he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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