I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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