wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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