haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I seem to have left my pride at pride
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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