Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize