your parents love me but you hate me
I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
