Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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