I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize