im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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