I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
