dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
