You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
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