There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
