3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Randomize
