eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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