...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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