I forgot how hot balto sounded
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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