Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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