I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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