The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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