oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
