you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
