I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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