I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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