I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
