just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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