Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
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