just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
