Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
