Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Just high enough for therapy.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
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