just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize