just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
