ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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