So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
