Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
