All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
