I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
