dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
What a dumb baby whore.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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