i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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