so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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