I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
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We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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