oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
