I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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