So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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