My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
