There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
he puts the penis in happiness.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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