Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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