I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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