just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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