You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
