New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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