I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
