Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
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