At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
