I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
