Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
