insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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