Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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