where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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