I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
