My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
