Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
we're making bets on your personal life
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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