Me. At least after what I've been through.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
