i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize